it’s kind of sad if you don’t know the meaning…

“Ah come on, you are not serious either. For you, this, us, is just a coincidence, a temporary thing.”

She is the kind of girl who would sometimes cry and say she hates this life, but never really means it.

“Oh.., so now you are me?”

He is the man who recovered from a cheating ex-girlfriend within a day, yet still quietly enjoys the hurt of heartbreaking songs.

She could not help but smiling that he did not fall into the trick.

No matter how she has no guts about commitments, she still expected him saying things like ‘of course not, baby, I love you and we will be together forever’

He smiled back. He did not even know that was a tricky question.

“So this is it, then?

He is the kind of guy who hates it when a girl asks if he loves her on the first night, but then annoyed when the girl does not ask.

“I guess so”

She is the kind of girl who does not ask anymore.

“You will not even try?”

He is the kind of guy who would not leave his home country.

“Try and then stop two years later? Why bother”

She is the kind of girl with a dream to go back to her home country

“Go and tell me you don’t love me”

He is the kind of guy who admits many girls love him.

“I don’t. Because it is impossible.”

She is the kind of girl who only wants a realistic love

“Feelings should be let free, you know”

He is the kind of guy who prefers being hurt than lonely.

“True. But do you know what happens when we don’t think and let it be free while we know it is going to end?”

She is the kind of girl who negates everything he said, yet thinking hard about ‘feelings should be let free’

“Baby, I never said two years”

He has the naughtiest left eye and the softest right eye

“You want to try until we are bored, all the fights, the jealousy; you want to go through all that, babe?

She has the i-know-it-all left eye and a right eye full of regret

“Yes. Yes.”

He is the kind of guy who believes that if it feels good, it must be good.

“You are just drunk”

She raised her can

“Probably”

He raised his.

“Cheers, babe”

They are the kind of people who don’t know what love is.

If
you want to be a manager, there is a management school, if you want to
be a doctor, go to med school. But the thing with being interested in
environment is that there is actually no school for it. How to clean
the air? How to keep the ecology? How to reduce global warming? There
is no clear department for those. Most probably because nobody really
knows how.

We
can only study a tiny small part of environment at once. Take my major
for instance; Forestry division is a small part of the great school of Agriculture.
Inside Forestry, there are soil scientists who deal with soil
nutrition; alchemists who deal with pesticides implications;
hydrologists who deal with irrigations and river conservations; etc.

Look
at it this way, in the beginning of your ‘environmental’ study; you are
given a large painting. I’d like to imagine that painting as scenery of
green mountains, blue skies, animals, plants, people and their money,
politics, and technology ‘living’ together in a harmony.

Yet, every
single day you are forced to rip that painting into half, simply
because now your painting is ‘too’ big.

So, one piece becomes two and
then four and then sixteen, and so on,

to the smallest piece possible.

At one point, you are forced to choose one small piece and concentrate
on that one small piece only. Get to know that piece, the shape, the
color, the weight, the ridges, the smell, everything.

Of
course this can make you forget the original large painting. Even
worse, you could end up having a tunnel vision; a depth of knowledge
instead of the width. Unfortunately, this is often inevitable in the
world of natural science, you are expected to know exactly what is
going on with your ‘small piece’, and this is why it is called an exact
science.

Some
of us study it for the love of the science, some for the love of the
environment. Although that might seem vague, scientists and
environmentalists have clear difference in terms of their roles in this
world. Natural scientists are not environmentalists, and vice versa. A
scientist is there to provide the base of the words that comes out from
the mouth of an environmentalist.

I do not
want to forget the large painting I was given before. I will share bits
of my pieces in any way I can, because ‘teaching’ is the best way to learn.

I am
holding a very important small piece in my hands and so is the person
who sits next to me in the classroom, or the person who writes my
school books or my teachers or my seniors, or you. I am taking care of
my piece and dedicating myself to it, and I know that you are too.

And
I hope you and everyone else will be there when it is time to put our
pieces together.

to the boy who smiles with his eyes
the boy who thinks the exam is ‘funny’ instead of ‘difficult’
who automatically takes my heavy bag when he meets me
who wants to be a politician to change education and football system
who takes my picture in front of his entrance
who thinks i am beautiful
who keeps asking for another 300 seconds,
who loves his life.
boy,
do not stop right now.
i need your spirit in my days.

Almarhum Opa tercinta, Frans Rampisela, dulu lebih sering ngasih nasihat dengan perbuatan daripada kata-kata. Tapi ada satu kalimat yang aku ga pernah lupa; pernah suatu hari - lupa waktu umur berapa, pokoknya waktu sy masih cengeng-cengengnya (padahal sampe sekarang juga masih cengeng) - maen kejar-kejaran en jatuh. Naaaa..tarik napas dalam2, siap2 nangis teriak sekencang mungkin,
opa cuma membungkuk sedikit tanpa mengulurkan tangan, malah bilang:
"laah…untung jatuhnya ke bawah, untuung nda jatuh ke atas…."
He?
en aku ga jadi nangis karena bingung.

——————————————————————————————-

Hari ini hujan gede seharian, agak bagus juga, karena kalo cerah jadi ga bisa duduk tenang belajar. So, walopun semua teman sejurusan udah pada pulang, aku masih semangat nulis report. Terus…tiba2…nemu berita..buruk (!!!)..eh bukan buruk sih.. pokoknya something yang ditakutin akhirnya terjadi… detailnya ga perlu deh ya.. (aku ga cerita jg uda pada ngerti kayaknya… :p ).

Reaksi pertama: melongo.
Terus, di ruangan itu ga ada earlgrey tea en ga ada siapa2, sebentar lagi pasti bercucuran air mata. panik. panik. en defense mechanism ku bekerja otomatis, langsung online nyari orang yg paling sabar mendengarkan celotehku (mas otoy cuma nge-charge Rp10,000 per menit). Tapi dia ga online.
Tapi ada Ana en Malia, teman lesbianku di malam2 sepi… ^ ^
Salah satu dari mereka malah maki2 betapa begonya aku, satunya lagi ingetin aku soal "everything happens for a reason", disuruh ke gym boxing atau lari di tengah hujan (emang film india?) atau minum2….

It’s true that nothing beats sisterhood.

All of those words calmed me down.

Daripada minum2, walopun masih hujan gede, i decided it’s time to go home and eat something,
lagi jalan turun tangga, kecengan sy nelpon (sowie, bukan cowo jepang, sy menyerah deh sama cowo jepang…), dia nanya ngapain di kampus sampe malam, besok sibuk sampe malam lagi ya? ada waktu utk ngopi sejam aja sore2?

it’s true that love is the only medicine for a broken heart.

Setelah selesai nelpon baru sadar kalo hujan udah berhenti, malah bulan en bintang kelihatan jelas. I smiled wider.

Sampe di rumah,  sup kacang merah sama ikan asin udah siap di atas meja (iyah sodara sodari, ada ikan asin di kyoto)… i kissed my mum and smiled wider.

Iya opa, sekarang ri ngerti. Kalo ri jatuhnya ke atas, bisa2 hilang di blackhole di atas sana. Kalo ada hal buruk yg terjadi, ri harus ingat masih bisa terjadi hal yang lebih buruk lagi, dan harus ingat mensyukuri hal2 yang lain.

Pokoknya, selama jatuhnya ke bawah, aku masih bisa berdiri lagi.

Makasih opa sayang, Tuhan-ku sayang, teman2ku tersayang.
Semoga kalian semua kalau jatuh selalu ke bawah. Semoga kalian semua sebahagia saya.

"Nice place, eh? it’s very … ‘Bali’!" His eyes were sparkling from under his green hat. She smiled agreeing and looked around, enjoying the smell of incense which fit so well with the humid air.
They rushed to a big wooden chair filled with pillows and fought for the biggest pillows available.
"What are u drinking? I can’t drink alcohol tonight"
"No more beers. I’ll take cappuccino" She tried to sit comfortably but could not find the space close or far enough from him.
"hot?" he widened his eyes.
She nodded and twisted a teasing smile.
He shook his head not believing anyone would drink hot beverage this time of the year.

They rested their heads on the red-brick wall, both tired from the long week, watching the flickering candles.
"so, tell me. why don’t you want a girlfriend right now?" she blurted out
He twitched his lips and threw her a serious look.
She congratulated herself for asking that question in such a casual tone.
"mm..too much restraint.. no time for my own life and friends. Is ‘restraint’ the correct word?" He reached for his mobile phone to open a dictionary.
"I guess so"

They stared at each other for three full seconds and then looked back to the energetic dance of the candle lights

"and you?" his eyes were still on the candles
"me?" her eyes were also fixated to the candles
"that day, you said you don’t want a boyfriend too.." eyes still on the candles
"ah true" she rolled her eyes and laughed "i lied.." still on the candles

They both laughed and sipped their drinks nervously.

She exhaled and said "it’s not time yet"

He nodded and leafed through an interior design magazine.
She asked him which style would he want for his own house.
He pointed at one picture and suddenly stood up straight,
"my dream is to have two houses one day. one in here for work. and one near the beach so i can surf"
She laughed, still resting her head on the pile of pillows,
"with the way you work right now, am sure you can do that"
"Ah..Japanese people are always in a rush you know. I am not like that. I hate that"
"Yet.. you want to buy that Lamborghini" she pointed to another picture on another magazine.
"Yes, I want to buy that Lamborghini"

They exchanged looks and laughed, the ice has melted away along with the thick air.

"Here is what I promised you" he handed her a silver bag, inside it, a red yukata with  pink sakura printed on it.
"oh my god. oh my oh my. It’s beautiful! You even put the geta in it too!" She was not sure how to react.
"yes, it’s a set"
She gave him the are-you-sure-it’s-okay look. he gave her the it’s-no-problem look.

She landed a kiss on his left cheek. He was caught off guard, she pulled away so quickly.

"Send me a picture once u have tried it on?" he said as they were walking back to the parking lot.
"sure" she nodded excitedly while still hugging her present

"I burnt you this CD. I know it’s nothing compared to a yukata.. but
the last time in the lounge, u said u liked these songs.." she pulled out
a CD from her bag.

"A present for me? Your selections?"
"Yeap"
He tried to catch her eyes, wanted to figure out why she remembered every single words he had said. But her eyes were looking out the window to the scattered fireworks on the hills.

He started the car, played the CD, they exchanged looks and big wide smile once again and glided through the bright night listening to Kylie Minogue going slow.

Working on another rainfall and discharge data on my desk at univ, my ass has been jumping everytime a message came. Could not wait till that day when we can meet again. But what the hell am I doing? I remembered how much I missed my desk in my old office in NL. Someday, I’ll miss this desk too.

So I am not going to wait for that uncertain future anymore. I’ll seize this second. This second where my senpai is chatting around behind me, the coffee smell of this room.

Because I’ll miss it someday.

And, just read a message from a true friend who said "anytime, anything for you"

Gosh, I am happy.

Sumber : Rahman Arge, Fajar Online Makassar, 06 Jun 2007.

Berbulan-bulan di Jakarta, saya kini ada di Makassar. Pagi-pagi, berdiri seorang perempuan tua di depan rumah saya. Ia memakai sarung plekat kumal, kebaya rombeng, dengan kain kerudung yang nampak sudah lama tak kenal sabun. Sebenarnya, perempuan ini belum tua betul. Wajahnya memberitakan sisa-sisa kemudaan, yang mungkin sudah lama dirampas oleh kemiskinan dan penderitaan. Ia tidak berkata-kata. Tapi sorot matanya berbicara tentang betapa ia butuh sesuatu dari saya.

Tamu-tamu yang saya terima di ruang tamu, saya biarkan menunggu. Sebab bagi saya, ibu yang sedang mengharap sesuatu dari saya, adalah tamu amat terhormat. Almarhum ibu kandung saya selalu berpesan: "Pertama-tama sedekahkan hatimu pada orang yang susah. Beri ia senyum, beri ia keramahan sebelum engkau memberinya sesen-dua-sen!"

Pesan ibu saya itu, hidup dalam batin saya, melalui pembiasa-an diri. Sehingga, bagaimanapun sibuknya saya dengan tetamu, dengan urusan profesi dan karir, berkat pembiasaan-diri itu, mengutamakan pelayanan kepada orang susah. Apalagi jika kebutuhannya mendesak.

Orang sibuk tanpa "hati", mungkin akan memberi orang susah itu "uang". Lalu segera menghalau orang itu. Ia mungkin jengkel dan berkata: "Nah, ambil ini! Dan segera pergi! Pergi! Nah lihat, saya ini sibuk? Haa! " Sang pengemis menerima uang sekadarnya itu, tapi berapa banyak "luka" yang kita goreskan di hati dia? Saat itu, sebenarnya kita telah merampas dari cadangan-harga-diri Si Pengemis melalui pisau-belati lidah kita. Tapi ya, ini memang pembawaan dan sikap-hidup masing-masing orang.

"Tinggal di mana, Bu?" tanya saya pada ibu yang susah itu. "Di Kalukubodoa." jawabnya singkat. "Suami ibu dan anak-anak, dimana?" Dan ia jawab: "Saya janda. Anak tak ada. Suami meninggal. Saya menumpang di bawah kolong rumah orang."

Saya masuk rumah, menyuruh cucu saya yang sudah gadis. Menyiapkan sarung bekas dan baju-baju perempuan. "Ini, kek." Saya bilang sama Si Cucu, serahkan sendiri sama ibu ini. Ini adegan pembiasaan-diri kepada anak dan cucu. "Biasakan memberi", kata saya kepada Cucu, sambil saya mengulangi pesan filosofis almarhum ibu saya: "Memberilah, wahai anakku, karena semakin engkau memberi semakin engkau penuh!"

Saya melirik kepada para tamu saya. Dan saya lihat mereka sudah kesal menanti selesainya kesibukan "remeh-temeh" saya melayani pengemis tua itu.

Perempuan susah itu menerima pemberian cucu saya sambil memeluk bungkusan itu bagaikan memeluk bayi kandungnya. Saya sendiri memberinya uang. Dan isteri saya muncul, memberinya seliter beras. Tiba-tiba ibu pengemis itu terduduk di tanah. Ia menangis. Tanah ini, bumi kita pemberian Tuhan, yang merupakan hak semua kita, dia cium, sambil berkali-kali mengucapkan terima kasih. Ciumannya kepada tanah, seakan langsung ditujukan kepada Tuhan, mensyukuri pembelaan-Nya seperti yang dijanjikan-Nya terhadap orang-orang susah dan miskin.

******

Pembaca, itu sekadar peristiwa kecil yang remeh. Antara pengemis dan kita yang hidupnya agak "lebih". Saya pun bertanya: "Siapakah pengemis di antara saya dan keluarga, dengan pengemis itu?" Paling-paling nilai nominal yang saya berikan kepada pengemis itu, jumlahnya cuma 25-ribuan rupiah. Tapi saya sekeluarga, ber-bahagia sejuta-juta rupiah. Jadi yang "mengemis" itu saya. Saya mengemis dari Pengemis. Mengemis "harga Intrinsik" KEBAHAGIAAN.

*be the love generation

how can i fall in love again?
when for so long, happiness had meant him
when who i am now is because of him
when all love songs are ‘our songs’
when all dreams & fantasies have been shared with him.
when he had heard all of my promises
when he is in all my photos and writings
so tell me how do i dare to fall again?
if you can teach me how
and please do teach me
because i really want to fall
i just don’t know how.

why  study?
our parents put us at the best schools they can afford,
we learn from our life and the people and the news around us to be able to have smart conversations,
we study day and nights to pass the exams, to be proud of ourselves and to make our family proud,
to get a good job,
to make a lot of money, and the story goes on.
But through it all, we study, simply, to realize that there are so many things that we still do not know, that we still need to know.
only stupid people think that they are smart.

why make friends?
the whole point of meeting and learning about so many people from different races, religions, cultures, backgrounds, is just to see that actually we are all the same.

be independent?
we are told to be independent all the time, do your own dishes, wash your own underwear,….
And once the pride kicks in, we take it to another level, we want to make our own money, to have our own life and family, to pay our own bills.

Yet, as hard as you try to be independent, you will find that you can never make it on your own.

And that it is okay to ask for help,

it is okay to feel like a failure and cry in your sleep. it is okay.

the secret of happiness?

extracted from page 31-33 of The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho:

A boy arrived to a beautiful castle where the wisest man in the world lived. When the boy asked him what is the secret of happiness, the wise man told the boy to look around the castle for two hours because he did not have enough time right then to explain,

"Meanwhile, I want to ask you to walk around while carrying a spoon of oil"

So the boy went, being so afraid that he would spill the oil that had been entrusted to him, he walked carefully with his eyes fixed on the spoon. When he came back, the wise man asked "Did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging on my dining hall? Did you see the beautiful garden?"

The boy was ashamed he did not see any of those, and the wise man sent him off again. This time the boy was awed by the paintings, the gardens, by all the beauty around him, that he did not notice the oil on the spoon had spilled.

When he returned, the wise man said "the secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world and never to forget the oil on the spoon"

as always, be the love generation.
Riri,